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Frustrating Friendzone

How does a girl get out of the friendzone with a guy? I find myself in it often because, I suppose, I act very much like an archetypal guy: emotionally reserved, very into geeky things (videogames, fantasy, scifi), and I mostly hang out with guys.

So I know how I get there, but it still really sucks. Guys get very close to me — guys that don’t get close to anyone — and maybe that’s enviable, because I have a lot of solid friends because of it. I’m more than just “one of the guys” or something like that, and I’m definitely treated like a female of the species, but this is the second time in recent history that I’ve been squared away in the friendzone.

It’s also worth mentioning, I guess, that I’m more than moderately attractive. Not a bombshell by any measure, but I definitely don’t think it’s my physical appearance doing me in here.

Anyway, how do I dig myself out of this mess? I have absolutely great chemistry with a guy I know - so much that mutual friends encouraged me over and over to pursue him - and then he explicitly told me that we were in the friendzone. I don’t want to play any dumb games (Googling “Get out of the friendzone” is pretty effing abysmal) but is there any hope?

 

Dear Frustrating Friendzone,

 

Let me start off with this disclaimer: you are almost guaranteed not to get out of the friendzone once you’re in there. Honestly. When you care for someone in a very unromantic manner it is hard to change that.

 

That being said, you need to look at the two options available to you. You can either accept that this person is a great friend to have and try to move on, or you can decide that the chance for something more with them is worth straining the friendship a bit. I am a true believer of the idea that we regret the things we didn’t do, not the things we did. Show him why you’d be good for him; dress to impress, give him a good massage or head rub, listen to him (but if he tries to talk to you about other romances tell him you don’t want to talk about that) etc. However, if he starts to get bothered by it or sternly rejects your advances you just need to stop.

 

Don’t let this be something you wonder about five years down the line, but also don’t turn into a creeper trying to get him to realize you’re worth his time.

 

-Archer

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Debating Decisions

Dear Archer,

I have been seeing this guy and it’s been going pretty well, but recently two people for whom I have some degree of interest have come out of the woodwork to try to hang out with me. I’m not sure whether I should, as they say, put all my eggs in one basket to avoid screwing up a situation with a lot of potential, or whether I should take advantage of the fact that I am single and thoroughly explore all of my options. I don’t want to be deceptive, but I don’t want to be foolish either. Help!

Debating Decisions

Dear Debating Decisions,

I think this is an issue that many people have faced at one time or another: you’re on uncertain terms with someone that you do actually like but there are other opportunities that could be fun at the moment. I say the best way to look at it is to think about what would happen if things were reversed. Would you be upset if the person you have been seeing went out with someone else? If the answer is yes, then don’t do it. However, if the answer is no then I see no reason why you can’t enjoy being single. I don’t think that you even have to tell the person you’re seeing, unless they specifically ask or make a point of it.

All in all just do what you feel is right. We can try and deceive ourselves and make excuses or self justify but you know whether or not your actions will have the potential to hurt someone if you think about your relationship with them.

-Archer

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Definitely Different

Archer,

I recently ended up going through some older pictures of my current girlfriend and noticed that all her exes look nothing like me. They are mostly more athletic jock-head types and I definitely am not. I sort of brought it up in conversation just to make sure I wasn’t making any assumptions and she did mention she had dated those types in the past. Obviously, she told me not to worry but I can’t help it. Do you think I have something to be worried about?

Dear Definitely Different,

This can be quite a frustrating situation to be in, but something I personally believe you have no reason to worry about. I have always been of the opinion that having “a type” is kind of a myth. While there are going to be certain traits that initially attract a person more than others, we all date people we didn’t always imagine we would. When you really find the right person it suddenly doesn’t matter if you liked red hair, curves, a certain height, etc. because this is the person you want to be with.

However, there are also likely certain traits that are always a deal breaker for someone; for instance I could never date anyone who was part of the Tea Party (read: “an idiot”). I would just make sure to be yourself so that you don’t hide something that turns out to be a deal breaker much later on. This will just waste everyone’s time and end up causing you heartbreak.

-Archer

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License Loser

Dear Archer,

I was just wondering can I give advice to strangers? So recently I lost my license on campus. Gratefully, someone found it, but instead of just returning it to the lost and found, the person contacted me via email and Facebook. Personally, I would have preferred it if the person just dropped it off at the Lost and Found. For some reason having a stranger contacting me, especially through Facebook, even though it was an act of kindness, made me feel very insecure. I didn’t understand why this person felt the need to contact me in person and meet up with me to give me back my keys. I wanted to suggest to the person to next time just return the lost item to Lost and Found, but at the same time I did not want to seem like an ungrateful brat, who bites the hand that feeds it.

What’s your insight on this?

Sincerely,
License Loser

Dear License Loser,

To be perfectly honest I think this is a pretty normal response these days. Facebook is insecure, and it is easy to find just about anyone unless you set yourself to private. In fact facebook was practically designed to find other people whose name you know, but little else. Also, likely this person just wanted a little bit of satisfaction in meeting and talking to the person who they helped. People like to feel good about themselves, and I don’t think there is any harm in letting them. If you don’t want any of this happening anymore make sure your name can’t be searched on facebook, but realize that no one will be able to find you then.

-Archer

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Lacking Lovers

Dear Mister Archer,

My problem is that I seem to be stuck in a large, deep, and rather frustrating dating rut. I’ve been single for about a year and a half now, and I haven’t as much as gone out on one date. I haven’t had any love prospects, and I don’t see any in my future. I’m friendly, nice, well-kept, relatively outgoing, and smart, but I’m not the “college hook-ups” type of girl, so I seem to get nowhere.

Do you have any tips on how I could meet some new people and get out of this rut?

Dear Lacking Lovers,

For many people, it seems that meeting someone is often the hardest part of starting a new relationship. While it may seem like resources where you’re at are quite tapped (no pun intended), you have to remember that there are plenty of great ways to meet new people. My first, and probably best, suggestion is to talk to your friends. Let them know to keep their eyes peeled for a single guy or girl that you might like. Most people that you’re friends with have tons of friends and acquaintances that you don’t know. This method works really well because if it’s a good friend of yours then they will be sure not to set you up with someone who you would instantly clash with. My second suggestion is an even simpler one, be friendly with people who you think are cute but don’t personally know. Just be willing to talk to them and strike up a conversation, anything can happen. My final suggestion is only for the adventurous, online dating. While for a long time online dating has been considered the realm of old people and perverts it is increasingly home to younger people looking for new prospects (but there are still perverts…). I would suggest a site like Okcupid.com where you will see tons of Baltimore twenty-somethings in your exact situation. You definitely have to wade through lots of losers to find someone worthwhile, but I know people who have had (and have had myself) some positive results and experiences with it.

Expand your horizons,

Archer

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Derelict Digits

Archer,

I have found that in recent years, I have no problem getting a girls number. The problem is that once I have a number I do absolutely nothing with it. I have a whole list of phone numbers that are too old to call. How do I overcome this hurdle?

With Love,
Rolodex of Hope

Dear Derelict Digits,

Well, the solution to the issue depends largely on the reason why you cannot seem to follow up and make the phone call once you have the number.  

If it’s because of a fear of rejection, then there are a few things you need to keep in mind. If you don’t make an attempt then you are essentially forcing them to reject you without even getting a chance to accept your offers. Yet, I know as someone who is afraid of rejection myself that it is never so simple. What is even more important to remember is that genuine expressions of interest and romance are increasingly rare these days. More than once I have gone out on a limb to ask a pretty and enchanting girl on a date and I am usually met with lots of enthusiasm because I am honest about my intentions and no one asks people out on dates anymore. More and more college romance finds its foundations in hook-ups and alcohol so when you ask someone out on a date it is a welcome surprise. Keep in mind this is no guarantee of anything further beyond a chance at a date, but it is a foot in the door.

Alternatively, if you are finding yourself uninterested after getting the number then the person may just not be right for you. The chase is fun, and once you get the number you may get bored. If that is the case, then I would just say wait for the right girl to inspire the want to call in you.

Yours,

Archer

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Post-Pinot Grigio Predicament

Mr. Archer,

I’m kinda hungover and I can’t decide if I should order pizza or get sweet potato fries. Thoughts?

Thanks in advance,
Post-Pinot Grigio Predicament

Post-Pinot Grigio Predicament,

Personally pizza appeals to me and especially to my hungover self. You have to make sure it is as greasy as possible, though. Sweet potato fries are entirely too healthy to be a good hangover food.

Good luck in future drinking adventures,

-Archer

Losing Loyalty

I’m pretty sure I’m in love with my best friend… ever since he broke up with his ex we became closer than ever, but all the while he kept hookin up with others this whole time which sucked but I could deal with it since I could tell they didn’t matter. Now, after knowing her for a short while he has a new gf, who he even has changed his demeanor for and does everything for and spends all his time with, and yes ok I know I should have done the whole ‘just tell em how you feel’… but no, I could never. We used to talk everyday and still do once every few days but as the summer goes on, we can go 2 weeks w/o talking, then when I start to miss him less, outta the blue I get a text… I’m not sure if I can take much more of it.

Dear Losing Loyalty, (I changed your submitting name so it would have alliteration!)

There seem to be two issues here which are bothering you: 1. You’re in love with your best friend 2. He keeps ignoring you for long periods of time and it’s really frustrating

1. This is a tough thing to try and deal with. I have to say at the end of the day you have to weigh how much you value your friendship against how strong your feelings for him are. Honestly, most relationships are bound to end but friendships can last forever. Is this someone who you feel so strongly for that it’s worth giving it a try with romance, or is it someone who you would be happier having around for the rest of your life as a friend? Also I usually say just go for it, but in a best friend in love situation I say go for it slowly. Make some subtle hints and moves that are romantic in nature to gauge a reaction. This could be some suggestive words, or purposely making more touchy-feely gestures.

2. This is the nature of the beast that is “A serious relationship”. Someone often gets tangled up within it and sees their friends a little bit less at first. You need to be both understanding of the situation and expressive of your feelings. Offer that you feel like you don’t see him enough anymore but put in a way that lets him know you’re not blaming him and merely miss him. As long as you aren’t accusing most people will respond to this in a really positive way. If he doesn’t then you need to decide if you can deal with seeing him less or if you just want to cut ties.

I really hope you get this all worked out,

-Archer

Into It

Archer,

How do you feel about the basic principles of “He’s just not that into you”? Essentially…will a guy make every effort to see a girl ONLY if he’s into her? Is there any point to playing games, in your opinion?

-Into it

Into it,

While I must start off by officially saying how much I loathe that entire film, I do believe in the mantra it espouses for the most part. I believe that at present it’s unimportant about if said potential lover is a male or a female, straight or gay, etc. etc. The bottom line is that if someone likes you then they will make an effort to contact you and to get together. The 18-30 age group has a plethora of ways to get in touch with one another, and when you want to “talk” with someone it is not at all hard to make it happen. However, let me clarify this with a few qualifiers: 

1. This does not mean that someone needs to respond to your text that said “Hey, what’s up?” or voice mail that you left them right away, every time. People get busy and others just don’t latch onto their cell phones. At the same time if someone consistently takes 8 hours to get back to you every time you contact them then you might want to seriously question their romantic involvement.

2. The very beginning of a budding romance should be allowed some exceptions. When you first start talking to someone who you’re interested in it can be quite hard to strike the balance between playing it cool and coming on too strong. You may put off responding to someone, calling someone, or asking to hang out again for the sake of success. Let this go for a little while and eventually just be willing to talk openly with someone about whether you enjoy staying connected via text or like talking on the phone, etc. etc.

Overall, just use your best judgment and don’t let someone play games with you. If you feel unsure about whether or not they like you or are interested just ask them. It’s that easy.

-Archer

No Internet for a Week

Moved into a new place, no internet there and therefore very sporadic use available on my end.

Sorry everyone!